Words taken from my ever changing vocabulary

Colla Colla: short for colonnades, a local shopping centre

Noods: Short for Noodles, a stringy pasta with the ability to be cooked in 2 minutes

Sif: Short for "As if", a phrase commonly used by the adolescent human to express disbelief.

Crapola: Extension of the word "crap", know as human feaces, but commonly used to express annoyance or disapproval ie, 'desperate housewives is crap or 'crapola'.

Pyscho-hose-beast: Used to describe a person who has temporarily become unstable.

Mulla-mulla: Originally used to describe my grandmother when she has awoken on the wrong side of life. Currently used for subsequent generations of the female variety.

Poony: (pronounced like a south Australian would say pool but with an 'n' on the end) A term of endearment for a small child

Poon: (pronounced like a Queensland says 'pool' but with an 'n' on the end) A man who sniffs girls bicycle seats

Bog shack: toilet

Desperate fucking housewives (and Lost)

Dear channel 7,

The answer to all your problems isn't repeating the same shit over and over again. How is it that I can actually see the same episode of some shit THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW!?!?! That's just desperation. If you were going under, why not get rid of shows such as "Dancing with the stars"? I may have more respect for your network if you didn't insult me with such shows. Maybe try giving Dicko back to channel 10, you know he's too good for you over there. Don't be selfish. Now, I do realise that networks go through some tough times. Your advertising campaign with the dancing tv's and the tv groom is just one example of your downfall. Humouring shows such as today tonight aren't doing you any favours either! It's just not happening for you at the moment 7, it's really not. But you know, you keep repeating the same shit over, and over, and over and over and over again - that way people might eventually get the hint that your station is crap, and you can all go home and die. Have fun with that.

Yours sincerely, Alpha-Bitch

Ps, before you go home and die, can you please hand Home and Away over to channel 10, I'll just bust if I don't see if Tash makes it through the plane crash disaster, and if Hayley hooks up with Kim after losing her husband 5 minutes ago and surviving a house fire. I don't think I could bare not hearing Alf saying "Flamin' Irene". Whatever television crimes you've committed in the past, you may be slightly vidicated by Home and Away, but it's still not as good as Neighbours so sit down and shutup!

Words I don't like

Ok, Im in a griping zone at the moment, so deal.

1. Gripe. It sounds like a fruit, but it's not a fruit

2. Shrubs. Just say that word over and over and tell me it's not a shit word.

3. Sizzle. Particularly in relation to a 'sausage sizzle'. Why does it have to be a sausage sizzle? I don't here anyone saying can I have some chips fry. I have never asked for a potato boil. When I have breakfast, I don't say Im going to a toast toast! So why do we say we are going to a sausage sizzle? It actually makes it sound like a ceremonious death or something. Just like "Im going to a witch burning" we could go to a "Sausage sacrifice". Think about it. It's weird.

4. Juices. I never hated this word in the past, until Adam described his sister asking for more "juices" from the sunday lamb roast. Oh. Shit.

5. Moist. Wrong. In so many ways.

6. Camel. but I think that is only in relation to a "camel toe".

7. Splice. I don't think this is actually a word. What dickhead made up this word, and why? What exactly does it mean (apart from a refreshing icecream)?


Alpha.

More things that give me the irrits

11. Spiders. WTF? Why? And don't go crapping on about circle of life and all that bullshit. Spiders serve no other purpose than to make me cry and be unable to sleep at night.

12. Pissed minda phonecalls at all ours of the morning. Ok stop it. I don't care that you just saw the hottest guy ever or you told your ex to piss off. I can't see the beer stain down the front of your top. I couldn't give a rats ass that you have been lining up out the front of Heaven (aka suicide mansion, whether it be gun shots or drug overdoses, we'll garuntee you a headline death!) for an hour, that's why Im not there! Im asleep, and when I am woken up from my sleep with a piss minda phone call, Im not happy....mmmkay?

13. Early hours of the morning television. Last night I was awoken by what can only be a pissed minda phonecall, so I started watching a bit of a 'lovely' show called 'blokes world'. The opening line was "Where's my ute?". WTF?

14. The name Jeremy. I just don't like it.

15. My sister in law trying to get me in the shit. I just got an interesting phonecall and now I have the shit's on big time, Im going! FUCK IT!

Things that give me the irrits.

1. People who tailgate. Just back off ok? You aren't getting any closer to you destination by getting any closer to me. No Im not moving over, because you have pissed me off. YOU can go around.

2. Most tail gaters are women. You are letting us down you bitches.

3. Old people drivers. Despite what you think, you are NOT creating a safer road when you drive at 40kph in a 60 zone, you actually make it more dangerous by making me have to screech around to get passed.

4. When I buy bread from the supermarket, and it's mouldy

5. When leftovers go rotten in the fridge and stay there for 3 months

6. Friends telling me they are coming over and they don't turn up or call. Good one!

7. Businesses not calling me back. Just call me the f back! Not that I would use your service now you slack prick, but so I can get the satisfaction of telling you Im not using your service. Dick.

8. People who feel the need to disagree with everything you say. Especially when in previous similar conversations, thay have agreed. If you hate me and want to make me feel like shit, just tell me. That way I don't have to waste my breath arguing.

9. Darcy waking up at 11.30pm and not going back to sleep till 4am (yes you read that correctly)

10. Shop assistants telling me they don't have a particular product, and then finding it myself in the store 5 seconds later. DO YOUR F'ING JOB.

This is only the first installment. So many things give me the irrits, which kinda gives me the irrits!

Alpha.