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Even my blog is lonely. I don't have a single comment.

Come out, come out wherever you are!

Loneliness.

I have 2 lives. Two completely separate, all consuming lives. I have the life of a partner, lover and friend. Mother to my beautiful son, great friend, hostess and organiser. This life I love. I feel happy and complete in this life. Then I have my life as a single person. Mother to my son. Member of the "mothers club", wondering if Im there because people feel sorry for me. It's like I have 2 sets of friends, one for each life. Both don't seem interested in crossing into the parrallel universe that I seem to live in. Some seem to think that when Adam is away, Im also away. I don't exist unless it's for Adam. Other's think that when Adam is here, that I don't want for anything but him. It's a lonely existence having 2 lives. The transition from one to another is difficult. I have to go from either having my own space, my own things, to sharing - or from sharing everything and thinking of another, to having all to myself, and thinking of no-one. It's difficult to put one life on hold for another. There's no consitency.

Sometimes I feel like I want to move. Move away. Go live interstate or in the country. Move somewhere where I don't know anyone. That way even though I feel lonely when Adam's gone, that's to be expected. I KNOW Im going to feel lonely. There's nothing worse than thinking you might see a friend or a relative that day and you don't. Or knowing that your family and friends are only 10 minutes away, but with their family. Doing their nightly ritual. Eating dinner together, or just simply watching tv. That, funnily enough, makes you feel more lonely. You feel like you could be a part of it, but you aren't. That's what makes me feel the most lonely.

These are the choices we make though, and although it's hard, I know we have made the right one. I wish I could explain this to Darcy. Darcy who cries when it's me and not Adam getting him up in the morning. Darcy who walks around the house crying out for his 'daddy', looking in every room, only to turn around and look at me with those big sad eyes, hands up turned saying 'gone'. I know he'll get used to it, but I'll never get used to watching him get used to it.

Woo bloody Hoo!

I got into Uni!!!! *insert emu dance here* Im so excited I actually shed actual tears!! I have attempted to get into Uni four years in a row and by golly Im in (did I actually just write by golly, grandma). Im going to be studying nursing which should take about 6 years doing it part time. It's funny because you have these dreams of careers you'de like to have, but like dreams, they never happen - but this did.

If I got to choose any job/career in the world - skill not important - Id be a dancer. I don't mean a 'ballet' dancer or a 'wiggles' dancer (although that would be fun) no, Id be a video hits dancer, like a dancer in a filmclip like Toxic by Britney Spears (I know, complete mole but good song so shutup!) But no, I am going to be a nurse!! Oh yeah, for those who know me, and who know what my last name will be in 2 months time when I get married, don't laugh that I will be Nurse N........., I know, and it's not funny!

Alpha - Bitch

Fat Chunk Reporting.

On friday night I went out with the girls to a localish pub to celebrate my birthday. We sat out on the balcony eating and drinking and gossiping, as chicks do. Anyway, I felt like I was starting to hit a wall so we decided to join the rest of the locals inside the pub who seemed to be going at it full force. The one and only single girl immediately started chatting up blokes whilst we sat and watched. It was a pretty good night! Anyway, the pub shut at 1.00am (WTF?) so I was standing there with 4 other friends waiting for the 5th and 6th friend to wrap it up with some bloke with dreads, when a 'situation' occured. It went a little something like this.

A droob walks up to me and says:

Droob: Spewin that the pub shuts hey?
me: Yeah, it's a bit dissappointing (inner-dialogue cursing like a sailor)
Droob: Im heading off to another pub, you interested?
me: Nah mate, Im heading home to my husband (to be but he needn't know that) and my son
Droob: oh (he then proceeds to check the other's out, all of whom had husbands/partners)
me: You have a good night mate

Droob walk over to his mate and exclaims quite loudly "Bitches" to which I replied "Oi FUCK YOU MATE" in my true fuck you style. Anyway, game over right? Wrong.

10 minutes later, Droob re-enters scene, struts (oh yeah, struts) up to me and says
Droob: Now girls -
me: (interupts) No mate, I heard you call us bitches, so PISS OFF!
Droob: Oi, I was just trying to have conversation
me: No mate, you were trying to pick me up, and when i said no you got pissed off
Droob: What are you? The alpha-bitch (yes you read it right, alpha bitch) you say something and everyone follows?
me: MATE, EVERYONE IS TAKEN YOU LITTLE TWERP, HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?
Droob: well look at all of you's (most of whom are in late 20's) what are you all teenagers? I wouldn't go out with you anyway!
me: Yeah right, you just asked us out!

Scene plays out like this for a bit until droob comes in with corker of the night....

Droob: Before you open you mouth, why don't you LOSE SOME WEIGHT (gasp)

to which he runs, RUNS out of the quickly clearing pub!

Im a size 12 people, A SIZE TWELVE!! This bloke was such a little twat. His ego obviously got a bruising because he was shot down. But what I don't get is that it's not like I actually said what I was thinking when he asked me out which was something along the lines of "yeah right you skinny little freak, I would rather stick a rusty screwdriver through my tongue than look at your ugly mug for 1 more second", no, I let him down with the husband and kid routine, what's offensive about that!!! Fuck wit.

From the Alpha-Bitch (that's my new word)

It's my birthday

Today is my birthday. Im 22. I must say, Im quite happy to leave 21 behind, not because it was a bad year, it was quite a good year. Uneventful, but good. No Im glad to leave 21 because now I am entering the mature age of the 20's. No longer do people offer me a West coast wine cooler at the pub, but they might order me a vodka and lime. I don't have to be embarassed when ordering rasberry flavoured vodka cruisers (aka spread your legs juice for teens) because it's a CHOICE now, not a neccessity for a youth who can't handle her acohol. Now my fiancee (pfft) doesn't have to feel embarrassed that he's a dirty cradle snatcher looking for a 'girl' under the effects of the juice for teens previously mentioned!! I am a woman!! I am a recpected woman in her 20's!! Twenty two. Mature. Stable.

For my birthday, I got from Adam a beautiful hand painted, square deep dish (very mature present), a "women's weekly beginners simple meals step by step to perfect results" cookbook (Im still deciding whether to be offended or not by the word 'beginners'), a set of 1 kg each hand or leg weights (I know you are going WTF but I actually asked for them so he's not a prick), and the second complete series of 'The Secret Life of Us' on DVD ( I recieved the first complete series for Christmas). I also spent lots of money on some new clothes, but as previously mentioned, that was a week ago. I like birthdays. I like presents.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

- Those who need to mention their maturity are in need of some - me

Money is on fire

Money always burns a hole in my pocket. It's my birthday next week so I recieved some money from my parents early because they left to go overseas. The day I get it - I spend it. Now I don't even really like what I bought, but the money just wouldn't have survived in my pocket for more than a day!

Last night, Adam's mum and dad gave me some money for my birthday, and Im currently trying to work out how I can get to the shops this morning before Im due at a birthday party at 11. I know it's stupid but I MUST SPEND MONEY!

Desperate.

The year of 2004

These questions were borrowed.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Went on a road trip to meet an online friend in another state.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next
year?
My new years resolution was to lose weight, and I lost 14 kilos!!!! So I think I kept it!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister gave birth to her first daughter!

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thankfully I can say that 2004 was good on the death front.

5. What countries did you visit? I didn't, but I went to Quorn, that's sort of another country!

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? A job, or maybe a uni place

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 13th, Not only was it my 21st, but my neice was born on this day. December 10th, the day we got engaged!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Losing so much weight!! I still have a few kilos to go, but Im within the BMI range so at least Im healthy now. But let's face it, we all want to lose more weight!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not getting into Uni

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Fracturing my foot just made it into 2004

11. What was the best thing you bought? My hair straightener

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Darcy's, he's done so well while his dad's been away! He really is a good boy

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Some of my 'friends' who whinge because we hadn't invited them over for awhile even though they have NEVER invited us over, and also despite the fact that Adam is gone alot of the time!! It's just so highschool and PATHETIC!

14. Where did most of your money go? On the credit card

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Seeing The Dissosiatives, getting engaged, my dad meeting Eric Clapton.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? Call me by Eric Prydz, Hey Ya by OutKast, both very cool songs and incorporate very good times!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? Happier, Im so excited about being married
b) thinner or fatter? thinner, I was 83.6 kilos this time last year
c) richer or poorer? really hard to say, maybe richer because we don't owe so much money.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Excersise, stuff with Darcy.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Pissing and moaning and generally being mean to Adam.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?I spent it with family. I spent it with a fractured foot.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004? No, not really. But I do love Adam more and more all the time!

22. How many one-night stands? Zilcho.

23. What was your favourite TV programme? Do you know what? It was Neighbours, honestly!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? One of Adam's customers who is going DOWN!

25. What was the best book you read? Lucy Sullivan is getting married.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?The Dissociatives.

27. What did you want and get? A video camera!

28. What did you want and not get? A new bed

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 21 and went to the hospital to see my new neice, then I had a big party a few days later, it was an 80's themed party and VERY funny!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Getting into Uni.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Shirts are cool.

33. What kept you sane? Secret Life of Us being shown in the daytime

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Daniel Johns, so hot in his wedding photo!

35. What political issue stirred you the most? President Bush, he's a political issue.

36. Who did you miss? Adam when he went away!

37. Who was the best new person you met? I reckon Belinda, a friend I have who's son is the same age as mine! She's so sweet!! I like the whole group of friends but I met all the rest in 2003.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Sometimes friends hinder rather than help you and it's ok to let them out of your life - for your own sweet sake!

Wednesday 5th January

Even my shittin' blog hates me. It logged me out for ages and I couldn't get in. It OBVIOUSLY didn't realise that I can get in via outside sources. YEAH! (I just stuck my finger up at the screen.......).

Anywhoo, Im getting married! Adam and I got engaged just before christmas and we are getting married on the 2nd of April, 2005. Very soon, but Im very excited!! There's lot's of organising to do, but I've decided Im just going to enjoy myself and not stress, after all, it's meant to be a fun day!

So anyway, when you are getting married in 3 months time, the natural thing to do is go on a massive health kick. Gym 3 times a week. Healthy food. Lot's of water. Facial treatments. Hair treatments. You know what I mean. Well guess what I did? I fractured my foot! (well the docs said I did but i don't think so) so there is no gym. Crap DAMMIT! So now Ive just decided to give all the other things away. Ill no doubt put a hair treatment in that burns my scalp, a face treatment that singes my face, and all healthy food should be banned! I LOVE KFC! (ok, I actually am eating healthily (is that a word), but it doesn't stop me dreaming of KFC!)

So yeah, I might actually have reason to come here.

Did I tell you my dad met Eric Clapton? My dad met Eric Clapton.