Loneliness.

I have 2 lives. Two completely separate, all consuming lives. I have the life of a partner, lover and friend. Mother to my beautiful son, great friend, hostess and organiser. This life I love. I feel happy and complete in this life. Then I have my life as a single person. Mother to my son. Member of the "mothers club", wondering if Im there because people feel sorry for me. It's like I have 2 sets of friends, one for each life. Both don't seem interested in crossing into the parrallel universe that I seem to live in. Some seem to think that when Adam is away, Im also away. I don't exist unless it's for Adam. Other's think that when Adam is here, that I don't want for anything but him. It's a lonely existence having 2 lives. The transition from one to another is difficult. I have to go from either having my own space, my own things, to sharing - or from sharing everything and thinking of another, to having all to myself, and thinking of no-one. It's difficult to put one life on hold for another. There's no consitency.

Sometimes I feel like I want to move. Move away. Go live interstate or in the country. Move somewhere where I don't know anyone. That way even though I feel lonely when Adam's gone, that's to be expected. I KNOW Im going to feel lonely. There's nothing worse than thinking you might see a friend or a relative that day and you don't. Or knowing that your family and friends are only 10 minutes away, but with their family. Doing their nightly ritual. Eating dinner together, or just simply watching tv. That, funnily enough, makes you feel more lonely. You feel like you could be a part of it, but you aren't. That's what makes me feel the most lonely.

These are the choices we make though, and although it's hard, I know we have made the right one. I wish I could explain this to Darcy. Darcy who cries when it's me and not Adam getting him up in the morning. Darcy who walks around the house crying out for his 'daddy', looking in every room, only to turn around and look at me with those big sad eyes, hands up turned saying 'gone'. I know he'll get used to it, but I'll never get used to watching him get used to it.